Because I Can
by Dark Knight Gafgar
Summary: Random shortfics from an insane man on painkillers. Read at own discretion. Irregular update schedule.
1. Kiba's Expectations

**Because I Can  
By: Dark Knight Gafgar**

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing that is not mine, and everything that IS mine. Capiche?

**Author's Note:** Why do I write these? Read the title.

-----

Kiba expected a lot of things.

Kiba expected to become a great ninja and bring honor to his clan and family. Kiba expected to complete a vast number of high-ranking missions and become filthy rich off the reward money. Kiba expected to lay a lot of fine bitches in his lifetime. Kiba expected to become more powerful than any other ninja in Inuzuka history, and one of the most famous shinobi in Konoha, if not all the Elemental Countries. Maybe even become Hokage someday.

Kiba expected a lot of things.

When Kiba had been pared off against Naruto Uzumaki, the dead-last from their Ninja Academy days, in the tower in the Forest of Death, Kiba had expected to steamroll the prankster ninja with little effort and go on to succeed in the final stage of the Chuunin exams, coming one step closer to his dreams.

Kiba had expected a lot of things.

Kiba had _not_ expected Naruto to transform into a giant, hulking green monster and stomp him into unconsciousness with a triumphant roar of "WAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!"

Sucks to be him.


	2. A Logical Conclusion

As Jiraiya flew through the atmosphere, idly waving at the pissed-looking redhead and frightened young man in glasses, he came to a decision.

Inviting Tsunade to a game of strip poker had been a _spectacularly_ bad idea.


	3. The Snake and The Bear, Round 1

Orochimaru wasn't sure what to say, his mouth working noiselessly in shock as the movers unceremoniously threw out his belongings, clearing out his former quarters at Akatsuki's secret base for habitation by a large, strange looking bear with beady black eyes, a small grin on it's face, and a pair of tied up, gagged, and squirming young girls under each arm that stood nearby, an Akatsuki cloak bundled up and moving unnaturally slung over one shoulder. Finally, as the masked, suited, and afroed movers expelled his final possession from the room, a collection of priceless samples that shattered somewhere up the hallway, the bear swept into the room as the movers filed out, slamming the door shut and locking it with an audible click.

Actually, Orochimaru knew_ exactly_ what to say.

"But WHY?"

Itachi shrugged, the beginnings of an Uchiha Smirk® the only sign of emotion on his otherwise expressionless face as he turned and stalked away from the disowned and flabbergasted snake sannin.

"Frankly, the bear is a better ninja than you."


	4. Hinata Strikes!

Hinata Hyuuga grinned like the cat that ate the canary, taking one last, long drag on her cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray that sat on the bedside table, then turned to give the bed's other occupant a quick kiss on the forehead. "See you later, sweet cheeks." Hinata laughed with a wink, quickly clothing herself, making a great show of schooling her features into her 'normal' shy and nervous look, and leaving the apartment to hurry off to meet her team and sensei at the training fields.

Laying shock still in bed, sheets clutched protectively to her chest, Anko Mitarashi stared silently at the ceiling for a long moment, then whimpered.  



	5. RlrlrlRLRLLRLGRLGRLGlglglglgl!

"Ok people," Pein began with a sigh, "new rule: Kisame isn't allowed to listen to 'I Am Murloc' _ever_ again."


	6. Enma Kong

Hinata stared blankly at the Sandaime Hokage with an expression that clearly stated that she was not amused.

"You know, when I said I'd be happy to help with Naruto-kun's training, this isn't what I was thinking of." the Hyuuga heiress deadpanned.

Sarotobi chucked. "I'm afraid your ideas for 'training' young Naruto would not be entirely appropriate for him quite yet. Besides, this seems to be working, doesn't it?"

Hinata had no answer to that, so Sarutobi turned away from the tied-up kunoichi back towards his crystal ball to watch Naruto, armed only with a large sledgehammer, fight his way up the Hokage's Tower, opposed by Enma and his seemingly limitless stockpile of barrels.


	7. Bad Move

Naruto and Sasuke's faces were furious with rage, Naruto's eyes red with the Kyuubi's power and Sasuke well on his way to transforming into the second stage of his Cursed Seal as they rammed their attacks home, essentially incinerating the fangirl in a shower of gore as Sasuke's Chidori sliced through the folds of fat above her waist to split her in half, Naruto's Rasengan slamming into her face a moment later.

As the two Leaf nin stood shouting obscenities at the rapidly cooling corpse, the rest of the Rookie Nine, Team Gai, and their assorted jounin sensei looking on in wide-eyed shock, Hinata palmed her face and sighed.

"I _told_ her they weren't into the whole boy/boy thing..."

-----

**Author's Note:** Pre-emptive "No, there will NOT be any yaoi!" strike complete.


	8. The Youthful Flames of Za Warudo

Gaara was not sure why, but he could not quite bring himself to hate his strange opponent with the... irregular hair cut. And choice in clothing. And eyebrows. Gaara's resident tanuki however was howling demands for the Konoha nin's blood, growing increasingly desperate - and, bizaarely, seemingly frightened.

Well, hate him or not, Gaara still wanted to kill him (and everyone else in the room), so fine.

Sending a wave of sand hurtling forward to crush the Mini-Me into paste, the jinchuuriki of the One-Tailed Shukaku's eyes shone with delight at the impending kill... and then blinked as suddenly a massive, overly-muscled figure suddenly leaped out of his opponent's body, clad head to toe in the same eye-searing green spandex, and knocked several tons of sand away with a single strike and a contemptuous call of "Mudada!"

Instantly recognizing the technique, Gaara blinked again, then blurted out the only thing that made sense right then.

"Well... shit."

On the platform above, the Sandaime Hokage sighed, rubbing his head with one hand as his headache returned full force. As all color around them - except of course for the three glaringly green jumpsuits currently in the room - suddenly inverted and Sarutobi found himself unable to move, he once again made a mental note to immediately ban any and all jutsu that had _anything_ to do with the color green, no matter how effective it was, just as soon as he got back to his office.


	9. Horseplay

"This has GOT to be the most disgusting mission we've ever done."

"For once, dead-last, I agree with you."

Sakura sighed and wafted a cloud of sleeping powder from her palm into the target's face, keeping the elderly man asleep while her partners hefted the heavy, disembodied horse's head onto the bed, sliding it under the covers at the man's feet before turning away to make a futile attempt at cleaning the blood off their clothing.

Ninja work could be very messy at times. 


	10. Another Logical Conclusion

Orochimaru examined the evidence, mentally tested all the possible hypotheses, and as he found himself above the clouds with a small cluster of average-looking men, one red-haired girl, and - strangely enough - his old teammate Jiraiya, who thankfully seemed too engrossed in writing in a notepad with an expression of intense concentration on his face to notice him, came to the only logical conclusion:

Using the Resurrection technique to ask Mikoto Uchiha for Sasuke's hand in marriage had most certainly not been one of his brightest moments.**  
**

**-----**

**Author's Note:** This may be the last update for some time.


	11. Hinata Strikes Again!

"Restrain her, dammit!" the doctor called out as a group of medic-nin struggled to hold down a furiously thrashing kunoichi, turning to glare at the pale-eyed nurse in the doorway who'd gotten the patient started up again as he did so, "And someone get that Hyuuga out of the room!"

As the mortified branch family member was escorted away, the doctor quickly formed a series of handseals, applying a low-level genjutsu used as an emergency sedative on the screaming and panicked patient, who slid bonelessly to the floor a few moments later, still crying. The medic-nin quickly hurried to hoist the limp form of Tsume Inuzuka back into bed as the doctor stormed out of the room, muttering darkly.

"Dammit," he cursed, "that's the fifth one this week!"

Just what the _hell_ was making these otherwise perfectly balanced - by shinobi standards anyway, which to be honest wasn't saying much - women so deathly afraid of Hyuugas all of a sudden?

**Author's Note:** Virus'd, hospitalized, and a hundred other things = this story's update schedule just went down the toilet. I'll update whenever I feel like it from now on, Khornedammit.


	12. Oh Hell

In the months following the Kyuubi's sudden assault upon the Village Hidden in Leaves, the Sandaime Hokage, having once again taken up the position of leadership over the village's ninja forces in the wake of the Yondaime's death, foresaw the need for an elite task force within Konoha's organizational structure that could give an outward illusion of strength to cover it's inner weakness due to the death of many of it's strongest and most distinguished shinobi. To this end, he drafted an order for the formation of some of Konoha's strongest surviving ninjutsu specialists into a special subdivision of it's already elite black ops forces. He would later remark that it had been "the goddamn stupidest decision of (his) entire career".

On the same day the order had been signed into effect, a massive crater had suddenly replaced a full half of the Forest of Death, the Sandaime had been admitted to the hospital due to an aspirin overdose, and the Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushu Butai (ANBU) Demolition Corps (Unofficial motto: "Killing it with fire since seven o'clock this morning") was born.


	13. It All Makes Sense Now

"Hey, fox."

_"What do you want, brat?"_

"Why _did_ you attack Konoha anyway?"

_"Well, why don't YOU try dealing with a hangover from hell while a bunch of jumped-up monkeys with jutsu practice making very large and loud explosions right outside your den sometime, eh?"_


	14. Tsunade Requires More Mindbleach

Tsunade blinked. Then she did it twice more for good measure, and ran through a mental checklist.

ANBU headquarters building? Check.

ANBU Demolition Corps offices? Check.

Shrines to Naruto and the Kyuubi lining the walls? What the hell. Check.

Naruto and a _very_ shapely woman with long red hair, crimson eyes, and nine long orange-furred tails, naked and frozen in the act of- Tsunade's mind quickly censored itself to prevent mental scarring or breakdown. Check.

A large number of ANBU with the yellow smiley face masks of the Demolition Corps gathered around the pair (Tsunade managed to force herself to forget who 'the pair' were) in a circle, frozen in the act of making worshipful motions towards whoever-it-was-again in the middle? Check.

Jiraiya, _taking notes?_ Check.

Hinata and Shizune over in the corner-

Tsunade lurched into motion, quickly forcing herself to about-face, march swiftly out of the room, and close the door shut behind her. She then immediately set off towards the nearest bar.

_'I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know...'_

--

**Author's Note:** I'm normally of the "Kyuubi's a dude" school of thought, but this snippet was too tempting to pass up. Remember though that in future snippets the Kyuubi will be male unless stated otherwise.


	15. Never give Naruto access to a WW2 Museum

"So."

"So."

"New intel on the target. The Kyuubi jinchuuriki has recently developed a new jutsu based on the kage bunshin."

"...And?"

"He's calling it the 'SS Panzergrenadier no Jutsu'."

"..."

"..."

"He's..."

"Yeah. As blond and blue-eyed as could be."

"They don't pay us enough for this shit."

"Time to turn in our resignations?"

"Oh yeah."


	16. Sound's Going to Need Grief Counseling

In the end, the experiment had been both a huge success - a triumph, really - and a dismal failure. Orochimaru had hoped that the attempt at creating bunshin so advanced and self-aware that they were practically human in their own right would give him the ability to create an endless supply of bodies for himself, simply producing a new host on the spot with all the bloodlines and physical attributes he could ever want rather than having to select and groom one over a lengthy period of time. Plus playing god was fun and good practice.

That he had succeeded in producing artificial humans through the mere expenditure of chakra and some base organic components was stunning really, even if he hadn't figured out how to force the bodies to adopt the physical characteristics he desired yet. His latest production was absolutely magnificent - a young girl (a loli in fact - finally something to use against that damnable bear!) with all his intelligence and cunning, not to mention complete and total lack of regard for the fate of any unfortunate test subjects, all wrapped up within that tiny little head of hers. It had been a long, long time since he'd known someone - anyone - who could match his scientific genius in every single way.

And she baked an excellent cake...


	17. Return o 'Da Orange Boyz

"Well, Naruto..." Tenten said slowly, scratching her head, "I'm not exactly sure I can make your kunai 'moar choppy', and I'm positive I don't even want to know what you mean by 'tagz needs moar dakka', but I guess I can try to help..."

"WAAAGH!" came the thundering chorus.

"Yeah. Please stop that now."


	18. HE IS SPREADING TO OTHER FANDOMS

"Alright then," Pein stated as he stood before his Akatsuki comrades, one arm in a sling while Kisame sat brooding in a corner resembling a mummy, "as Tobi has recently been promoted to a full member of this little business of ours, we require a new sidekick-slash-minion. Thankfully, I have already made arra-"

"Private Giles reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Speak of the devil. I assume your task is complete?"

"Yes sir! Beer run successfully accomplished, sir!"

"Excellent. And you made sure you weren't followed?"

Several dozen Leaf and Sand ANBU, Jounin, and Special Jounin stormed into the room, their advance spearheaded by an enranged orange-clad blond with crimson eyes, the likewise furious Kazekage who was surrounded by floating and madly swirling sand, and a powerful-looking man in black with long silver hair and an even longer sword.

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

-----

**Author's Note:** Giles stolen from Nicolle's This Army Life. I think I'm going to give him back.


	19. Weep, Fettlekyn!

"Hinata."

"Yes, Neji?"

"You are fated to lose this battle. There is no other alternative. You should give up, now, and spare yourself the humiliation of defeat."

"Let me think about it... No."

"...Hmph. So be it. Proctor?"

"Very well. Begin!"

"You are within my field of divina-"

"SUMMONING JUTSU...!"

"What."

"DREMORA!"

"WHAT."

"BURST, BLOODSACK!"

"HOLY SH-"

Splat.


	20. Hope you like miasma!

"This place is kind of creepy, Kakashi-sensei."

"And... these pictures. Why are there so many pictures of elephants killing people, sensei?"

"Nothing to worry about, Naruto, Sakura. We've got the legendary Toad Sage here, after all."

"Yeah, like Ero-Sennin will be any help..."

"WHAT WAS THAT, BOY?!"

"STUFF IT, PERVERT!"

"Quiet down, Narut- ...Kakashi-sensei? What's this?"

"Hmm... it appears to be a lever of some sort."

"This inscription below it... it's an old language, but... I think it says 'Delicious... Alcohol'?"

"MINE!"

Clunk.

"...Ero-Sennin, did you just pull the fucking lever?"

"Naruto! Watch your mouth!"

"Sorry, Sakura-cha-"

"Uh... do you all hear somethi OH GOD"

Sasuke, Genin has burned up in magma.

"Sasuke-kuEEEEEEEEEAAARGH"

Sakura, Genin has burned up in magma.

"MY NINJA SKILLS, THEY DO NOTHING!"

Kakashi, Jounin has burned up in magma.

"This... this isn't alcohol at all!"

Jiraiya, Perverted Toad has burned up in magma.

"DAMN YOU ERO-SENNIN!"

Naruto, Jinchuuriki has burned up in magma.

"FREE! I'M FINALLY FR- OH FUCK"

Kyuubi, Bijuu has burned up in magma.

.....

Konoha, Hidden Village has burned up in magma.

.....

Land of Fire, Aptly-Named Country has burned up in magma.

.....

Elemental Countries, Region has burned up in magma.

Your world has crumbled to it's end.


	21. Thousand Headpigeons

Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha met at the Valley of the End, ready for battle. Sasuke, seeking power and victory, immediately unleashed his most powerful technique - the Chidori, also known as the Thousand Birds.

Naruto saw his Thousand Birds, and raised him one more: a single caged pigeon.

Named Lamar.

Sasuke had never met a pigeon that could use kawarimi and kage bunshin before. As he would spend most of his life afterwards languishing in a cell in ANBU headquarters, he would, to his eternal thankfulness, never meet one again.

Sasuke's hair never fully recovered.

-----

**Author's Note:** If you don't recognize the reference, you aren't reading enough People Lie. Go look up Nugar and read his works. Now.


	22. I just want to set the world on fire

**Author's Note:** _The_ Andrew Joshua Talon is stepping into the Naruto snippets and omakes business. I ACCEPT THIS CHALLENGE!

-----

"You think you can best me, boy?"

"I _know_ I can! Henge!"

Poof.

"...Why the hell would transforming into an old guy in a suit help-"

WHOOSH.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

Clang. Clank-spring. Click, whirr-

"For the President!"

Clang. Clank-spring. Click, whirr-

"For Eden!"

BOOM. STOMP. CLICK, WHHIIIRRRR-

**_"FOR PONY!"_**

"HOLY SHI-"

BRRRRRRRRRRsplatterRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAsplashAAAAAAAAsplooshAAAAAAM.

"Target eliminated! Resuming standard patrol proceedures."

"Switching to pattern zeta-seven-four, maintaining security sweep around President's location."

**"ARE YOU HARMED, MR. PRESIDENT?"**

"No, Agent Horrigan, I'm quite fine. Thank you for your assistance, soldiers, you may return to base now."

**"HAPPY TO BE OF SERVICE, MR. PRESIDENT."**

"Ten-four, Mr. President, sir."

"Yes sir, Mr. President. RTB."

Whoosh. Clank-spring, clank-spring, clank-spring, clunk. Clank-spring, clank-spring, clank-spring, clunk. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. CLANG.

Sputter, sputter, vreeerm, whoosh.

.....

.....

Poof.

"Well, that was eas- EEW! BRAIN MATTER!"


	23. Strike Hyuuga

Neji blinked. Twice.

"...Lady Hanabi?"

"Yes, cousin Neji?

"...What are those?"

"Hmm? Oh, that's a Striker Unit."

"...And why are you not wearing-"

"They don't fit over my Striker Unit."

"....."

"...Do you need something?"

"...No. I'll be going now."

"Ok. Say goodbye, Tayuya-chan."

"Mmf-mm-mmffr-ffnnkr-mmf!"

"Um. Goodbye."

Neji closed the door, made an about-face, and marched into an empty room across the hall.

He paused. And breathed.

Twice.

"...WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"


	24. The Father's Opinion

"Hiashi-sama, your daughters are running amok! Something MUST be done!"

"I'm not one to agree with the council very often, Hiashi-san, but this is getting out of hand. What, exactly, do you have to say for yourself?

"...Just as planned."


	25. Leeo Brando

Lee burst into the room and posed.

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There were no survivors.


	26. You gonna get Befriended

"Sasuke!"

"Dead-last."

"We're taking you back to the village, and we're doing it _right now_!"

"As if you could beat me. And who's that with you, anyway?"

"Hi, Sasuke-kun. Let's be friends!"

"I don't need friends, and who the hell are-"

"I. Wasn't. Asking! DIVINE-!"

"ohfuck"

"BUSTER!"

Boom.


	27. Crank III: Ramen Juiced

"_Fuck you_, Uzumaki!"

"Fuck _me_? No, fuck _you_, Chelios!"

*insert an hour-and-a-half of violence, explosions, drugs, rock & roll and Naruto having sex with Hinata in public here*


	28. The Silence of the Carp

This is an engraving of a ninja team and a dwarven fortress. The ninja team is entering the dwarven fortress.

This is an engraving of a ninja team and fortress halls. The ninja team is exploring. The fortress halls are empty.

This is an engraving of a ninja team and elves. The ninja team is exploring. The elves are dead.

This is an engraving of a ninja team and goblins. The ninja team is exploring. The goblins are dead.

This is an engraving of a ninja team and dwarves. The ninja team is exploring. The dwarves are dead.

This is an engraving of a giant eagle and a ninja team. The giant eagle is dead. The ninja team is arguing with one another.

This is an engraving of dwarven children and a ninja team. The dwarven children are dead. The ninja team is weeping.

This is an engraving of a dead dwarven king and a ninja team. The dead dwarven king is speaking. The ninja team is screaming.

This is an engraving of a ninja team and skeletal dwarves. The ninja team is surrounded by the skeletal dwarves.

This is an engraving of skeletal dwarves and a jonin and three genin. The skeletal dwarves are fighting the jonin. The three genin are fleeing.

This is an engraving of skeletal dwarves and a jonin. The skeletal dwarves are dead. The jonin is striking a menacing pose.

This is an engraving of a jonin and skeletal carp. The jonin is dead. The skeletal carp are striking a menacing pose.

This is an engraving of three genin. The genin are fleeing.

This is an engraving of a pidgeon and a genin and a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The pidgeon is committing an unspeakable act upon the genin. The genin is screaming. The kunoichi is making a plaintive gesture. The jinchuuriki is laughing at the genin.

This is an engraving of a giant cave spider and a genin and a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The giant cave spider is devouring the genin. The genin is screaming. The kunoichi is screaming. The jinchuuriki is carrying away the kunoichi.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The kunoichi is screaming. The jinchuuriki is making a soothing gesture.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The kunoichi is weeping. The jinchuuriki is weeping.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki and a giant cave spider. The kunoichi is weeping. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The giant cave spider is striking a menacing pose.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a jinchuuriki and a giant cave spider. The kunoichi is weeping. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The giant cave spider is making a plaintive gesture.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki and a giant cave spider. The kunoichi is weeping. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The giant cave spider is dead.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The kunoichi is starving. The jinchuuriki is starving.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The kunoichi is dead. The jinchuuriki is weeping.

This is an engraving of a kunoichi and a jinchuuriki. The kunoichi is dead. The jinchuuriki is starving.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and a kunoichi. The jinchuuriki is devouring the kunoichi.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and skeletal dwarves. The jinchuuriki is fighting the skeletal dwarves.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and a demon. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The demon is dead.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and a glowing pit. The jinchuuriki is leaping into the glowing pit.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and demons. The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the demons.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and a demon fox. The jinchuuriki is releasing the demon fox.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and demons. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose. The demons are dead.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and demons and demons and demons and demons and demons. The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the demons. The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the demons. The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the demons. The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the demons. The jinchuuriki is surrounded by the demons. The jinchuuriki is making a plaintive gesture.

This is an engraving of demons and a jinchuuriki. The demons are bowing to the jinchuuriki. The jinchuuriki is striking a menacing pose.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and a throne and demons. The jinchuuriki is seated upon the throne. The demons are bowing to the jinchuuriki.

This is an engraving of a jinchuuriki and a throne and ramen. The jinchuuriki is seated upon the throne. The jinchuuriki is devouring the ramen.

This is an engraving of skeletal carp and a jinchuuriki. The skeletal carp are devouring the jinchuuriki.﻿


	29. Sexy Shoeless Gods of War

"Team Seven: Kiba Inuzuka, Naruto Uzumaki, and Hinata Hyuuga. Jounin instructor: Belkar Bitterleaf. May the gods have mercy on us all."


	30. Blazing Flames of, well, Flames

"What's that you've got there, dobe?"

"Is it one of those things you found in that old museum underground, Naruto?"

"Oh, this? Yeah. It's called a flammenwerfer. It... werfs flammen. I guess."

"You don't know what it does?"

"Well, yeah, but it's kinda... well, maybe I should just show you. Oi! Lee, Gai-sensei!"

"Yes, Naruto-kun? Hmm? What's that you've got there-"

*WHOOSH*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"D-dobe!"

"NARUTO! What the hell are you-"

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH YES! LEE MY ADORABLE STUDENT, CAN YOU FEEL IT?"

"YES, GAI-SENSEI! NARUTO'S DEVICE HAS STOKED OUR BURNING FLAMES OF YOUTH INTO A RAGING INFERNO!"

"wat"

"INDEED! WE MUST TRAIN HARD, HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE WHILE THIS GIFT YET LASTS!"

"YES, GAI-SENSEI!"

"THANK YOU NARUTO-KUN FOR THIS BLAZING GIFT TO US!"

"Happy to be of help!"

"COME LEE, LET US TRAIN!"

The pair of flaming shinobi in green spandex disappeared into the distance, shouting their usual series of outlandish pledges and if anything being louder and more incomprehensible before. How exactly was one supposed drill through the heavens, anyway?

Sasuke and Sakura turned toward their blond, helmet-wearing teammate, stunned disbelief on their faces.

"...Naruto?"

"Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"What the hell was that?" Sasuke asked.

"What? You guys didn't know they're immune to fire? It's not exactly a secret, you know! They talk about it all the time!"

The two other members of Team Seven stared, dumbfounded, for several long minutes, and then turned away nursing raging migraines.

Age be damned, one way or another they were getting drunk with Tsunade-sama tonight.


	31. Snakeman

The Sandaime Hokage glared at his former student, who stood surrounded by three strange, metallic capsules and was grinning wickedly.

"What exactly are you planning, Orochimaru?"

The Snake Sannin only grinned more fiercely.

"Need I remind you, old man, that I am - technically - a Snakeman?"

Sarutobi blinked. Twice.

"And... what is that supposed to mean?"

Orochimaru snapped his fingers. Instantly, the three capsules burst open, revealing the forms of three grinning Chrysalids.

The Hokage's face fell.

"...Shit."


End file.
